I’m a Creature of Habit. I like certainty and I like routine. And I hate the holidays for this reason.
And I love my daughter. She’s out of school for 2 weeks and we’ve both had about enough of each other. I’ve fed her breakfast, but she’s hungry. And since I’ve written this first paragraph, she’s said, “mom?” 4 times already. I don’t have 24 hours a day to give to her. My mother is 2 weeks out of complete knee replacement here in Boulder and I’m her caretaker. My husband really does his share, but I feel so fucking pulled in every direction right now. And I want some routine!! And it’s zero degrees outside, so running through the park is off. Besides, my knee surgery 6 months ago is still not keeping me from pain and there’s still no running going on for me, a common stress releaser in the past. I feel like I’m going crazy. And I know I’m not alone because the folks I work with are in the same crazy place, especially the one with kids in the house.
Here’s my to do list before my elected hernia repair surgery tomorrow:
- Don’t eat sugar, especially that Christmas chocolate in the pretty gold box staring me in the face (I’m getting a yeast infection)
- Make a menu because it’s imperative I don’t get constipated because the incisions will be right in my abdomen.
Pause – time to soothe a crying 3 year old.
- Where was i? Oh, I was juggling expectations, guilt, to-do’s, battling the cold outside to run errands, feeling a sense of urgency because of tomorrow.
- Return books to library where entrance is being rebuilt and we have to walk a ways to go to the other side where there’s no parking in the freezing cold with a little kid who may stop walking and demand to be carried at any time.
- Go to my mother’s and make sure she’s taken care of for the day.
- Write a blog because I really would like some consistency in my business.
- Talk to someone who’s interested in becoming a coach.
- Pack for tomorrow.
Now my daughter is making pretend food with a bowl I gave her for Christmas and my heart feels like breaking because I haven’t paid enough attention to her.
I am in crisis mode. I need an attitude change. And getting from here to recovery seems to be as impossible as a cat flying.
So I pause and breathe, and watch my daughter. She’s so innocent and precious and she’s feeding me pretend eggs. She’s so nurturing and she still remembers who she is at all moments. Her intentions are so pure. And the way she is treating me now, loving and kind and considerate, is reminding me of who I am.
There are many ways to recover. But the first step is the hardest at times like this. I ask myself, “What is the Shitty Committee making me afraid of right now?
My answer at this moment is the following:
- You’re going to drop the ball for tomorrow.
- The surgery may not go so easily.
- You may die.
- You may get infected.
- You’re going to be useless if you can’t lift anything over 20 pounds for 4-6 weeks.
- You won’t be able to carry the laundry basket.
- You won’t be able to do yoga.
- You won’t be able to stay strong.
- You won’t be able to cook.
- You’ll be tired and weak for a while.
- You’ve got a packed work schedule that’s probably going to be too much.
- You’ll miss out on all the New Year’s fun.
Some of these things are true, but it’s the distorting nature of the Shitty Committee’s energy that makes me panic.
Once I get clear on the messages I’m sending myself on the inside and vent in print or aloud, I am able to get more clear of my next steps. I’m no longer stuck in drama.
When I fetter out the truth from the panic, I can get ahold of how to recover. Now, my daughter is in my face asking to spend time with her. Usually, there’s something calling you on how to recover. It’s a whisper from the divine and I sure can’t hear it when I’m in all that drama. Today, the whisper is – let’s go play! Trust that the major things will be taken care of and I can empty myself and let others take care of me. You might guess that it’s my biggest challenge. Will you let people take care of you? And how do you recover when your’re in overwhelm and panic? Please share.